Aaaaaaah!

First things first, this site will, at some point in the near future, be moving to monochromaticgirl.com, so keep that in the back of your minds. It worked for so long, and I kind of wish I had never tried leaving that moniker behind.

Surprisingly, summer camp is not first on my list of gripes this morning. In order of gripeyness, summer camp is a little gripey. I've been all anxious and shit, and more than half of my groups just haven't shown up. Their counselors use computers as a privilege, so if they don't behave, they don't get to come here. But I get everything all prepared and wait and wait and wait, and no one comes. Yesterday, I had one group. I was supposed to have five. Buh?

Next on my list is this overwhelming sadness that has taken its hold on me since yesterday afternoon. Part of it is related to my biggest complaint because I'm doing this mediocre project with sub-par equipment and I'm being bossed around, basically. Can't be more specific, but yeah. Mostly, the sadness is related to this intense sense that I am grieving for all of these people I haven't seen or talked to. Like the people at my old job. Or my 'big brother.' Really, it's him. Even though I've been a shit friend to everyone of late, he unfriended me. And I want to make things better, but part of me feels like my slothful friendship was unforgivable. The rest of me feels like there's an outside influence on this unfriending. Regardless, it's created this overwhelming fog around me the past two days.

Finally, I have but one thing to say about my biggest gripe: I hope your plane back to your little bourgeois life in the north depressurizes long enough to suck you out through the exit row door, or better, the tiny little lavatory toilet. Your convenient-for-you bossiness is not acceptable.

Pre-Camp Concerns

There's only a week left until summercamp starts. I've been dreading next Monday since I started this job, and yet, part of me wonders how I'm going to deal with it in reality. Kids, counselors, co-workers, all of them keep feeding me nothing but horror stories and sympathetic looks.

And with one week left, I've taken up my knitting to relieve the stress once again. I mentioned before that it's how I sort of escape the nervous cloud that hangs over me sometimes. Instead of frantically fussing about every little detail that I can't control, I start obsessively clicking away with my pointy sticks and planning all of the projects that I can't wait to dive into. Somehow, it's easier to overplan a sweater that I may never get to knitting than it is to sit and be anxious.

I'm not totally anxiety-ridden yet, though. I'm sure that will come in time. Things are more or less planned out for all the classes I'll have. My main problems now are merely technical. I have to start from scratch and reinstall everything on a couple of machines, and there are some glitches on a couple of others that I need to work out. Google is amazing for finding solutions to seemingly insurmountable issues. I'm not a major techie, so figuring out how to hack into an admin account for which I've forgotten the password is a pretty big deal to me. And it's all there! So that's what my mornings this week are looking like. Well, that and installing a couple of games on all the machines too.

I think what scares me most about summercamp (and I apologize for the jumpy nature of this post), is the whole classroom management issue. Since I was a tween babysitting my little brother, I have had little luck establishing complete control. Perhaps I've had weak role models. I do a decent job now, when things aren't crazy insane stress all the time. I want to do better though, and I want to clamp down and be the boss from day one during camp. Partly, I think I need to get over the being nice thing, I guess. I don't want to be their friend, but I don't want to be their authority figure thing--I don't want to be the bitch or The Man, you know? Somewhere in between a nice teacher and a hard-ass would be perfect.

Ginger Snap My Ass

I don't care for ginger. In small quantities, I think it's swell--real ginger snap cookies are tasty and good, gingerbread, not so much. But anyhow, since I'm not much of a breakfaster of late, and I get hungry before lunch, I've been getting these tasty little natural bars that Rebecca turned me onto called Lara Bars. I've enjoyed the Apple Pie and the Cherry Pie flavors, but this morning, I only had one left, and being a good sport and wanting to give each flavor a fair shake, I had to go for the Ginger Snap bar.

Holy mother of cod, what was I thinking? It's like gnawing on a ginger root that has some nuts thrown in for texture. And what gets me is that ginger is supposed to calm your stomach. My tummy is a little unhappy after half that bar. Granted, my tummy is always a little less than happy to accept offerings of nourishment when I've a cold, but I wanted to relish the irony.

So I'm feeling kind of oogy and sleepy. At my old job, I would have spent my lunch hour with my head curled into an arm pillow on my desk trying to snooze. Here, I'm not sure what I'll do. I got some General Tso's Tofu yesterday that I left in the fridge overnight (coughcoughforgottobringhomecough), but I think I'll just collect it later this afternoon and call it good. Sniffle sniffle grump.

Sniffley Sneezey

Take a look at that time--before 6a! Frankly, I'm astonished and disgusted.

I hate being sickly.

The kids have all had sneezes and coughs lately, and they seem to have been gracious enough to share with me. How thoughtful.

So why am I up this early? Well, it occurred to me that I haven't submitted my time sheet this week, and I'm not sure if that means I don't get paid or what (sick + sleepy=cloudy brain). So I was in a tiny bit of a panic and wanted to send myself an e-mail to remember. See normally, I would set up an Outlook reminder for such things, but I don't have Outlook on my computer because there's not a lot of room for software on my machine, so I have pretty much the bare bones set-up (I used to have Office, and then I made the mistake of trying to install the Macromedia Suite too--yeah, blue screen of death...). Of course it occurs to me now that Google (I use gmail primarily...it's open all day at work like normal people have Outlook open) may have a reminder feature. Oh, and look! They do! So now I feel like a heel for not thinking of that before. Well, a reminder has been set, and an e-mail reminder is in my inbox as I type. Hopefully everything goes all right with that...

And now hopefully, I can doze back off for a bit until I have to get my ass out of bed for real. Sigh.

Bi Drama

I was toodling about myspace this morning (basically, I sign in once every so often to see if I have any new friend requests from socialites to deny), and a friend from the Homeland posted a question. She said that she is attracted to women and would make out with them, but has no interest in pursuing a relationship with them--does that make her bi? She said that she thinks so, but her friends disagree quite strongly. Um, what?

Why are people so afraid of sexuality? How on earth does it affect anyone if she's bi or not? Why is there even a reason to debate? So I gave her my tuppence, and I'm totally expecting some sort of concerned backlash from said friends about how she's not actually bi, and this is just ridiculous.

Why does this matter?! Define yourself and don't accept the labels that others force onto you. That's all that's important.

Chit Chat

I feel like talking today. Just maybe chattering away for a little while. But of course, I don't really know what to say.

Part of the reason I've stopped blogging as much as I did in college (aside from no longer having the exciting adventures that I had back then) is that I've become really self-censoring. I know that some of it came from a fear of being dooced by the Crimson Permanent Assurance. I also know that some of it came from generally being depressed. When everything was getting me down, I started thinking that nothing I did was really interesting enough or thought-provoking enough for anyone to read. I used to say interesting things, and I used to believe there was an interesting person saying them. I no longer believe that I haven't anything of value to add to the blogosphere, but it's hard to pull yourself out of the rut, you know? Nothing really special is going on in my life most of the time, but blogging for me was always about having a presence. People make their livings by blogging about their bowel movements. That certainly gives me leeway to talk about the mundane.

Like the things I think about and wonder about and am starting to believe. I feel like there's all this stuff that I want to figure out and learn, but I'm a little unsure of where to go for information. Buddhism for instance. How do I learn more about Buddhism if the groups in Philly are either Chinese/Vietnamese language groups or they meet in Chester fucking county or they sound like new agey cults. What am I to do? Where is the wise teacher that I seek? Furthermore, what form of Buddhism do I look into? Zen? Amithaba? Shambala? Tibetan? How do I sift through the endless books and websites on the subject to find the most central information? It's like, I know where I want to go and I have the vehicle to get me there, but the vehicle's manual is absolutely impossible to decipher. What the hell?

I've lost my train of thought, so I'm going to wander away for a bit. That's what working around kids will do for you...my attention span is drastically reduced...

An Inconvenient Truth

Over the weekend, I went to see An Inconvenient Truth, and I feel like I need to say some things about it. As a movie/documentary, I really enjoyed it because even though it was chock full of facts and figures, it was all presented well, and the blending in of Al Gore's life story in relation to the global warming crisis he's trying so hard to fight was quite subtle. Somehow, the effect was to humanize Gore, but at the same time, to underscore why one man is trying so hard to spread a message. I've never had much thought one way or the other on Gore (outside of the 2000 elections, when I was over the moon for him considering his opponent...), but knowing his environmentalist background, the movie wasn't a surprise to me--I don't think people are willing to consider politicians as people, even when they're no longer politicians.

And that's what makes this battle we witness him fighting all the more poignant. He is a person, and everything he's doing and trying to do is about his humanity. His desire to protect his children and leave them the legacy of a healthy world is probably one of the most human traits a person can have. It's one of the reasons I decided to be vegan. I know the effects that factory farming has on the environment, and aside from everything bad that happens to the animals, it's not right that humans should cause so much pollution for an inefficient source of food. I'm not saying that veganism is the perfect solution, but it's something I can do.

I want to do. After seeing the movie, I feel like there's so much that I want to do. But I feel very restricted too. I don't know where to look to do much. I can buy energy saving lightbulbs (after much grumbling by some), but I can't recycle more than plastic and cardboard (Philly has street recycling, but since our building has one garbage service for the whole building, we can't put anything out, and the recycling bins in the garbage area are used for trash or just pitched in with the rest of the rubbish). I can clean the filter on our AC unit and fight to use it as little as possible, but the unit is ancient, and I'm sure that other parts need cleaning, and Philly Management won't replace the unit because they're cheap and because they refuse to believe it doesn't work (whole different maintenance issue that they've proven they don't care to deal with). I've looked on the web, and I don't drive or fly that often, I walk and take public transit. But I want to make an impact--not just turn off my lights with more diligence.

See, I'm really coming to believe that environmentalism isn't a partisan issue. It seems that way because certain industries would have us all believe that taking care of the earth is bad for business. But that's the myopic view of people who are a.) in highly polluting industries, and b.) people who haven't/aren't willing to wrap their minds around the prospect of moving in a different direction. And as an aside, I really have to wonder why so many Americans are against moving in a different direction for certain industries when they're also complaining because all their jobs are going to Mexico and India. What have they got to lose?

Anyway, environmentalism ultimately benefits everyone. A cleaner planet means you've left a safer, better place for your children and grandchildren to live in and enjoy. If family is so important, how can that be wrong?

Obviously, the movie really made me think. I want to see it again, and I want to bring others to see it. I want everyone to see it--it's got an important message, and it's not all doom and gloom. Sure, we're headed toward a potentially unchangeable environmental situation if we don't recognize the threat that global warming poses, but Gore's entire point is that we do have the power to stop it from happening if we change the way we do things now. I believe in his message, and I really think it should be shared.

So I urge you to see the movie. If you have even the slightest inkling that you might like to make a difference in the kind of world we all leave behind, please, please go see the movie. It could be our generation's Silent Spring. In a truly surprising and passionate review of the film, I think Roger Ebert summed it up best: "You owe it to yourself to see this film. If you do not, and you have grandchildren, you should explain to them why you decided not to."

Milestones Meme

How old were you when…

you had your first kiss? 18

you lost your virginity? 21

you graduated high school? 18

you graduated college? 22

you got your first job? 12 or 13

you got your first real job? 22

you lived on your own (college dorms don’t count)? 20--I think Ireland has to count here.

you met the person you married/are engaged to? 19

got married? 22...sort of, since the queers aren't allowed to unionise ourselves.

had a baby? Blech! But we got our first kitty when I was 22.

colored your hair? Never.

got a tattoo/piercing? 8 for my ears, 20 for my upper ear cartilidge

started reading? I really think 4--I was disturbingly precocious with words, so it might have been sooner. I remember reading in preschool.

bought your first car? Never! Damn the man and his automobiles!

[via Sarah]

Little Things

Name ten of life's simple pleasures that you like most. Try to be original and creative and not to use things that someone else has already used.

1. Wading into a real, live body of water (a lake, a river, the ocean) and having the waves or current splash up higher than you've rolled your pants, but somehow, it just doesn't matter.
2. That amazing sense of pride you feel when you make a bold culinary choice and it pays off in spades because the food was so delicious.
3. The expression on Indy's face and the little swish of her tail when I call her name because she's excited that I'm going to give her attention.
4. Lazy, post-sleep, afternoon cuddle chats with Sarah.
5. Spending time doing nothing in particular with your friends because it makes the whole world seem right.
6. On the newer buses (the ones without steps--just a flat floor until the back of the bus), riding standing up in the little partition of the back door without holding onto anything, just using my own strength to sort of surf throught the bumps and turns.
7. Drinking glass after glass of crisply icy water when it's so hot you think you might pass out if you blink too often.
8. Waking up to a silent world outside save for the sounds of a summer thundershower rolling through.
9. Walking outside and finding that the weather is perfect--cool temperature that's just on the cusp of being warm, a pleasant breeze, and a sky that's crisp and blue with huge, white/gray clouds that are too scattered to bring more than a moment of rain if any.
10. The feeling you get when you decide to say fuck it and wear the shirt that you love with the pants you love even though they're not a perfect match, or put on sandals even though your feet aren't manicured, or don't lint-remove all of the cat hair from your trousers. In more cases than not, it just doesn't matter at all that you might somehow offend someone else with your lack of concern. You know when it counts--the rest of the time, it feels pretty good to be yourself.

[via Jimmy and Leah]

Amazingly Laceless

What seemed like the perfect team is off to an extremely rocky start. Krista and Shoalwater started off on the right footing--there was pattern purchasing and careful yarn selection--but then something went horribly wrong.

The Shoalwater yarn has failed to appear for the kick-off of the Amazing Lace leaving her teammate anxious and bewildered. "I knew we would be starting a little late," Krista said, "But I thought that the Shoalwater yarn would at least want to drop in to say 'hey.' You know, see how we'd work out together."

Krista, a 24 year-old non-profiteer from Philadelphia also said that she still has high hopes for the team's impending adventures. "It really is a good pairing," she said. "I'm a little miffed about the whole thing, but we have so much going for us that we'll totally win once we get going."

The two met over the internet several months ago, and they hit it off right away. The pattern was interesting and uncomplicated, and Krista had always had a fondness for alpaca and wavy things. They decided to work together because, as Krista said, "Things were just going so well. I'd come up with these crazy plans involving other yarns and other patterns, but I'd always come back to Shoalwater. So we started spending more time together online, and then we finally decided to go for it, and here we are, um, sort of."

The Shoalwater yarn, a seemingly mild-mannered, steady DK weight alpaca, was last seen leaving the Knitpicks warehouse in Ohio some two weeks ago. Recent speculation seems to suggest that the Shoalwater yarn might be hiding somewhere in Philadelphia, waiting to make an appearance, but we were unable to secure an exact location.

Meanwhile, Krista is making the best of the situation.



She's keeping her lace-fu at the ready working on the Landscape Shawl, and she's testing her endurance (and likely numbing her anxiety) with the occasional consumption of spirits. Above, she is clearly rejuevenating from all of her intense training. "We're going to totally kick some ass, man. Those other teams won't know what hit 'em when we join the party."