Issues in My Subscription

Yep. It's been a while. Sick of hearing that, though, aren't we? I think it's time for an impromptu Lenten vow, what with tomorrow being Ash Wednesday and all (seriously, I hadn't even fathomed giving something up this year until just a moment ago). I was going to say that I would make you all a promise to update every day for a month, but I might as well go for the whole forty days. Hell, if the Hebrews could wander a desert for that long, I can update my blog for that long, right? I think that's what the 40 days is for, right? I'm not even remotely Catholic, so please don't laugh at my pitiful lack of knowledge in the area. So, an entry (at least) every day until Easter. Woot!

Things have been a little bit clusterfucky of late. Lots and lots of family drama. My little brother turned 18 this year, and he's moved out a few times since then, always to move back. He doesn't get along with my parents, and I have my theories as to why that is, but I feel like I understand some of his frustration. He's just a hell of a lot bolder (and stupider sometimes) than I was. So the week before last, he called and left me a message, and I called him back to learn that he had left home again, and that he was driving down to live with a (wealthy) relative in Florida. Said relative has implied that he could go down and live with them and my mother has, in anger, told him that he should just go live with said relative (because he would throw it at her that the relative had said that he could stay there). Neither of them, of course, imagined that he would actually ever act upon the 'offer,' but it just goes to show that you shouldn't offer something you're not willing to deliver.

My brother told me that he had told an aunt about his decision, but that was it. He called the next day (President's Day), and left a message saying that he was just outside of Atlanta. Later that evening, my mom called me and left a message (but since the sound was off on my phone, I didn't hear it) and then left a more frantic message on Sarah's phone when I didn't call back immediately. So I called her back, and she got surly about what I knew, and I got indignant because I hate the way she pretends to know nothing and interrogates me to get me to say what she wants. Then my stepfather gets on the phone and tells me 'this is serious shit--answer your mother!' So I said exactly what he said about being outside Atlanta, and she was freaking out that the relative in Florida was pissed because the family grapevine had finally made its way to her and my mother, and she didn't want my brother living with her. So mom is pissy and upset and she hung up on me, mostly I think, because I refused to comfort her or tell her she was right about anything. She hasn't called since, and while it's a relief to not hear from her, on the other hand, I've been turning my phone off a lot more and getting a little panicky when I turn the phone on because I fear that there will be some horribly scathing, whiny message from her. Or worse, one from my grandmother (who is saintly, and who usually calls when I haven't made any attempt at apologising to my mother for something that wasn't my fault in the first place). It's weighing a bit heavily on my thoughts. I want to know how my brother is, but I don't want to talk to my mother or give her any reason to believe she's got a reason to feel superior to me.

I'm really angry with her. And quite frankly, I don't care what others think of me for not wanting to speak to her. She's not my friend, and I often feel that the relationship I have with her is built more on a sense of obligation than anything else. I know that hurts and bothers her, but I can't be the loving, best-friend of a daughter that she wants. I've never felt that she respected me. Regardless, I'm irritated and miffed in general about the whole situation.

In other news, I actually ended up going vegan-ish about a month ago. I'm not diligent in the tiny things like which vitamins and minerals might be from animal sources (riboflavin, I'm lookin' at you!), and I haven't given up honey, but I read labels and the things I'm certain are animal-derivitives (meat, obviously, eggs, dairy--whey, lactose, lactic acid, stearyl lactylate and shite like that) I avoid. After a couple of weeks of beige eating (loads of potatoes, really), I'm branching out more, and things are pretty okay now. I've rediscovered my passionate adoration of Trader Joe's and their myriad varieties of hummus and other spreadable substances (tapenade, salsa, baba ganoush, etc). They just have good food. And for those of you who are just interested in a tasty, healthier alternative to butter or margerine, I *highly* recommend Soy Garden. That shit is awesome! It tastes all buttery and yummy and melts like a dream. The one thing that I really, really want to find a vegan substitute for is rye bread. Every single variety I've found contains lactic acid, and though I know lactic acid is produced in non-dairy sources, I can't guarantee that their sources aren't dairy. And damn, I want me some rye bread!

I guess that'll be all for the moment. I do want to say that I did in fact participate in the Knitting Olympics, and I will tell you all about my completed project tomorrow. I've got pics of it and some of the other things I've been working on. Yea!

The song of the entry is Wax Audio's Imagine This, which is a sort of political mash-up. But don't let that discription discourage you--it's actually really good! I came upon this song a couple of months ago, and somehow, I only listened to it today. Let me tell you, it's remarkably bittersweet hearing GW 'doing' John Lennon's Imagine. It's like all the hope and all the fear I have for the future being forced into a box together. Quite a juxtaposition to force upon a song, you know?