Idle Hands

Originally uploaded by monochromaticgirl.

It's time for another self-conscious, downer girl post. Woo-hoo.

I'm feeling very sub-par today and recently. I'm not sad, per se, but there's a sense of mediocrity and disappointment wafting about me. And while I have Death Cab for Cutie on repeat, I thought it appropriate to vent. That's what any sensible goth girl would be doing, anyway. Life is pain, anyone?

I don't really think so. My life isn't really so melodramatic. I go to work, I come home, and between bouts of semi-fulfilling sleep, I manage to live a life that I feel too privileged to really despair. On some level, I recognize that I have enough. More than I need, really. That part of me is the one aching for the gentle, cleansing balance of a Buddhist takeover of my world. A contradiction. What I feel like. I'm happy in my head, and yet I'm not. Things just aren't very clear about me to me anymore.

The person I was is not the person I am. Is not the person I am going to be. But where do all these beings exist together? The common thread is what I'm seeking. In addition to fulfillment. But what is it that I want? What do I want to do? Want do I want to care about or be good at?

Feh.

My apologies for disappearing for such an extended period. I am starting to recognize that people do care when I go away, but it's really difficult to convince myself of that most of the time.