So I'm a Sell-Out Once Again

Well, this is what you all get to see for now. I've switched back to blogger for the time being, and I'm even using one of their jolly little templates. Don't I feel special. Sorry about that unfortunate vision of electric green that some of you were seeing. Somehow, in my two years of not touching html, I managed to futz up the location of the blog, so instead of leading it to my test area, it showed up as index.html, thus overriding index.php...which was what my bookmark was linked to, so that's what I kept seeing. Feh.

In case you hadn't guessed, I've once again been locked out of my wordpress account, and because I'm super cool with the tech world, I can't seem to find anything except some fucking forums on their site where I can ask about what's going on. So as soon as I have time (blah blah blah), I shall be transferring my archives over from there to here and deleting them. Not sure if it's worth the hassle, but whatever.

I'm just furious that I've been somehow frozen out of my own account. It's not even something that's worth hacking into, honestly. And so far as I can tell, if it has been hacked, whoever did it didn't bother to do anything with it. So why hack it? FUCK!

And to follow the theme of the post, I'm in a bit of a pissy mood this evening. I spent a good deal of time knitting along at something today only to realize this evening that I had fucked it up somewhere earlier. So I get to rip back the whole thing, when, at 4p, I was thinking that I would be able to simply knit a few more rows and then move onto another thing. Oh, of course not. Today's just not working like that.

Let's see, what have I neglected to mention in my long absence of cut-offedness from the webbernet? Well, I'm back on anti-depressants. And present entry aside, they've been working pretty well. None of that dullness that the Lexapro gave me. Now I'm on Wellbutrin, which is, I've read, a completely different class of drug than the SSRIs. Yea for that, I suppose. The first week I was on it, I was absolutely giddy and energized and ecstatic. The early buzz has worn off though. Ah well.

My secret pal has also been very awesome and has gifted me twice with fabulous things. She got me the knitted toys book I've been wanting, a knit-centric novel, a photo album, the knitting calendar I wanted (yea for fun things to bring to work!), and in my last package, she sent me some lovely green cotton/elastic yarn (for socks, I'm thinking, what with the elastic), a set of Inox dpns (which is absolutely awesome, because Inox is my absolute faaaaave brand of needles, and if I didn't mention that on the blog, I'm totally impressed with her awesome psychic abilities...or maybe she just likes them too, in which case, I'm even more impressed), and she got me my very first skein of cashmere--woooo! It's a gorgeous bluey green cashmere silk blend, and I'm so excited about it. Definitely something I never would have splurged on for myself, so that makes it even more groovy. So thank you very much, Secret Pal! You have definitely rocked my knitterly world.

And finally, just because I need to, I want to complain a bit. I'm really down about work again these past few days. I can't get beyond the boredom and the general mental malaise that the place brings upon me. And more than being upset about fudging my knitting, I think I'm just anxious/sad about having to go in tomorrow. There's not enough for me to do to make it worth my time, and I'm running out of lists to write in lieu of being bored. I think it's high time that I got my resume ready and readied myself mentally for a job search.

I wish I knew what I want from life and who I am. I feel like I need to figure that stuff out again, because there was some kind of purpose before, you know? It's not as if I want to harken back to 'the glory days' of my recently departed youth, but it's hard not to wax nostalgic when the joy and direction that I so desperately seek were right there in my face not more than a few years past. How can I find that in my new life and situation? In the past year, I've managed to sabotage a lot of the purpose and happiness that I felt warming me around the edges by simply giving in and not taking care of myself. And I'm tremendously lucky in a lot of respects. Mentally, I think I'm fairly self-aware in terms of the things that I'm doing wrong, and emotionally, I'm in a very stable, loving relationship. But physically, I'm the best off, ironically, because even though I've managed to gain like 70 pounds in a little under a year, my cholesterol is amazing, my blood pressure is good, all my bloodwork is perfect, and I'm in theoretically awesome shape on all the internal levels. And that has me thinking that if I don't start taking care of the external factors (and I mean everything from my thick layer of blubber on out into the cosmos), my luck is going to run out. Something is meant to go wrong. You can't take advantage of the system for so long and not get it all slapped back at you. Karma doesn't work that way.

But I feel kind of shiftless. I have a gym membership, but when I went, I didn't feel like it made any difference. I need some guidance, and I can't afford anything like a personal trainer or anything (which would be ideal, because then I would get the kind of tough-ass encouragement that I need as well), so I'm not sure what to do. I know it's a little odd considering, but I really idolize Madonna right now. She is so healthy-looking and toned, and she keeps dragging herself back from those low places she manages to find. And she's found that amazing balance between the physical, emotional and spiritual worlds. I really envy that. I always have.

So there you have it. A couple of months worth of blogging all in one crispy-on-the-outside, soft-and-chewy-on-the-inside entry. Hope it was worth it. Cheers all.